Because there has been such a clamoring for my promised post on cock-blocking here it is.  (I think two of you may have requested the post.) 

Who is a more effective cock blocker – children or dogs? The answer is – ding, ding, ding, ding – ‘a visiting grandmother’.

Mostly because she possesses characteristics that allow her domination over both children and dogs in this arena: She is over three feet tall; she has opposable thumbs; and, she is hard of hearing. An additional motivator to consider it is her daughter that is being defiled which might give her an edge in unconsciously trying to interrupt a sexual encounter.

The barrier between ‘us’ and ‘all of them’ are a gate and a closed door and the fact we have to wait until they go to sleep.

Fortunately when my mom rouses during the night to go to the bathroom she isn’t wearing her glasses. Thus a great deal of bumping into things and loud muttering, “Judas Priest!” Meaning we can hear her coming. Warning of an intruder is key in these situations.

If like most nights – when she is not staying over – the winner would be our kid. This is due solely to the fact if one or both of the dogs break through the barricade(s) we can say, “No way in Hell!” And – put them back in the other room and ignore any whining.

A kid you have to take him back to his room and he has to fall asleep. So, there’s going to the bathroom, another book and a request for water – which is a total ruse. (How do all kids know about asking for water? It’s like they have a handbook.) Then you have lie down and pretend you are sleeping and then you actually fall asleep – in his room.

I understand the reproductive mechanics that results in one child. I do not know how anyone has the opportunity to be impregnated a second time. Growing up the Black family (that was their name not their race) lived across the street from us. They were Catholic and had eight children. Looking back  I think did they slip into the pantry every eighteen months for 90 seconds – for sheer procreation reasons? For duty, honor and country?

If Ward and I “give each other the eye” at some point during the day Thorin knows we are up to something. He does not know we want to ‘do it’. My guess he probably thinks things like, “They are going to eat ice cream without me!” or “They are going to watch ‘The Avengers’ for the 100^th time without me!”

If I give Ward a passionate kiss vs. a peck on the lips, his immediate response is usually, “If you are serious. Keep your hands to yourself. He’s on to you!”

I look back to my early days with Ward. To the days we counted how many times a day we had sex. To the days we saw erotic possibilities rather than a kitchen table. To having sex in daylight hours.

I guess if I weigh those days against these days I am still ahead of the game.

Happy Mother’s day to all you Mothers! And a little Marvin Gaye for you and yours.