You can learn a lot in eight days. This is what I learned:

Thorin wants to wear underpants as much as the thought of urine in the house freaks his parents out. So, he wears underpants.

Thorin asked for two things for his 5^th birthday. He wanted “teeth” and his sister. I understood both requests. Missing your two front teeth really puts a crimp in eating and most everybody needs their sister. We delivered on his sister at one of his parties and I said we would have to wait on the teeth.

He had two parties and he made up the guest list at both. At the first, he only wanted one friend invited and I suspect it was so he could have her full attention. He went to her birthday in August and was dismayed to find out he had to share her with other children and adults. He wasn’t about to let that mistake happen again.

Thorin is really like any kid – he was puzzled by the gift of clothing as a suitable birthday gift

Walking through the Halloween aisle at CVS he pointed at vampire teeth and said, “False teeth.” How did he know that word “false”? I explained they were for adults and were not really going to help him eat his dinosaur shaped chicken any better.

For the third year in a row Thorin developed what we referred to as his “bad asthma” as opposed to his “regular asthma” during his birthday week (mid-October). Bad asthma historically lasts until May and last year into June. He was home from school using his Nebulizer every 4 hours for 5 days. He was also shuttled back and forth between my office at work and home for cuddling. I am a horrible mother.

He had an asthma attack at three in the morning on Wednesday and rallied after two treatments.

My sister asked me repeatedly throughout the week, “How was I doing?” I answered each time, “Good. Last year he wasn’t officially diagnosed with asthma. We have a great new pediatrician not the former douche bag pediatrician. We have a great pulmonologist. We have an asthma protocol to follow and medicine. I am really great!” Some of that would prove to be a load of crap. Mainly that “I was great!”

Following a visit to the pulmonologist where we received a prescription for steroids Thorin came home and took off his diaper – which we “allowed” him to wear while sick – and put on underpants. I said, “Are you sure?” He said, “Yesith!” Basically, he is potty training us because we are such losers.

On Friday, after being sick 5 days and missing 4 days of school I suggested he try going. He didn’t want to which should have told me he was still sick because he loves school. Did I really want him to “just try it” or did I need a break? Either way I hate myself now.

At school he looked sick and was wheezing so I gave him a second treatment in two hours. Following that heavy breathing while sitting. Concern by one of the teachers. I went to call the pulmonologist to get an appointment like immediately and realized they would tell me to go to the ER. I ran back to the teacher and said, “Did you really see that. Did you because they will tell me to go to the ER.” Her response was, “Yes.”

After a call to the pulmonologist we went to the ER that was 25 minutes away. He was better by the time we got there but both Ward and I didn’t notice because our son has asthma. We are parents. We are scared. We spent 4 hours there and Thorin had yet another chest X-ray. He was fine this time. Yay! I just put my son through a traumatic experience for nothing.

Ward and Thorin went home and I went to work because I thought I might have an anxiety attack. I did my work and then Googled “how parents feel about going to the ER when their asthmatic child is sick”. The upshot – all parents feel like crap. They all second-guess themselves.

We have been to the ER at least 5 times or is it 6 –  once in an ambulance. Twice we didn’t need to be there.

I hate myself.

I will hate myself less tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

I want to be half as tough as our kid.